ORIGINALLY WRITTEN 24 FEBRUARY 2007

Greetings from the best metroplex in the state! 

The 4th six weeks is over, and students and teachers know it's just a matter of days until Spring Break.  Some things never change, hm?  Students still giggle at the word Bolshevik, they still have to pass classes to play sports, and they still think sports is the be-all and end-all.  Teachers still wait in line for the copy machine, we still gossip about who's being "fired" and why, and we join with the students in counting down the days until our next vacation.

Quotation marks are necessary when you talk about "firing" a teacher.  In case you're unaware, letting a teacher go in the middle of the school year is not a real clean-cut process, due to the existence of yoo-nyuns.  However, school administrators reserve the right to not renew your contract for the next school year.  Not a real fun topic around the workplace, considering the time to renew contracts is now.  The administrators have asked me (and Lauren) to renew our contracts... have they asked you?  No?  Uh oh...

Last Chronicle, I mentioned the student who resembles Felix the Cat (if only because he carries around a bag of tricks).  Every day is a re-enactment of The Twilight Zone episode "One for the Angels," where Ed Wynn plays a sidewalk salesman who refuses to let Mr. Death do his job.  Wynn keeps Mr. Death's attention with all sorts of gimmicks and gags for hours and hours, which both frustrates and captivates Mr. Death.  The student is Ed Wynn and I'm Mr. Death, as far that analogy goes.  "Mr. Grayson, I've been working on this new card trick... you WON'T be able to figure it out.  And after that, lemme show you this new trick deck I got for my birthday, it's so cool... Bet you've never seen the 6-5-4 Club trick... "

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My classes just finished up Russia, East Europe, and the -stans.  You can't imagine how little these students know about this area of the world.  What they do know about the land between West Europe and Mongolia is learned from Borat, Eurotrip, and Rocky IV.  I showed my classes a picture of Yakov Smirnoff and told them it was President Vladimir Putin, which they didn't have trouble believing.  I was going to show them a real picture of Putin, but we were running low on time

This past Thursday, 6th period was interrupted by one of the Veep's...  We were informed that our Academic Decathlon team (who just won Regionals for 17th time in the past 20 years) was boarding the bus to San Antonio to compete for State this weekend in Katy.  Quick - everybody line the hallways to give them a good-luck ovation before they leave!  So picture several thousand students, in jubilation because they're suddenly out of class and in the hallways, cheering on a small group of grinning, overwhelmed nerds clad in A.D. jackets.  Momentary, yet inexplicable pandemonium.  Alright, everybody back in class - we've gotta learn about Ural Mountains before the six weeks exam.

Of course, the students are insane when it comes to calculating their grades.  They project their future test scores as if they worked for Arthur Andersen.  "Let's see, I plan on making a 100 on the map test, and I'll ace the final exam, so I don't even have to do the worksheets this week."  Sure, kid.  You keep telling yourself that.

I do take a special sort of pride in my tests.  Most teachers use the tests provided in the teacher's manuals, but Lauren and I prefer to make them ourselves.  Although it's much more time-consuming to make a test from scratch, it allows me to bypass having to teach a bunch of crap.  But hey, some teachers think the plight of the Aral Sea is just as important as the fall of communism, so more power to the pre-written tests. 

One of my students told me my tests were "un-American," and another student muttered "the Astros suck," as he turned it in.  (An Astros banner hangs proudly on the wall behind my desk... those students really know how to get to ya.)  So, I whisper to him as he walks back to his seat, "You do know that your Jordans are fakes, right" which sends him into a tizzy.  I win.

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On a lighter note, I've been outed as one of the few conservatives in the faculty.  Before you think I'm overblowing this bit or being too sensitive, remember the setting - I work in a Title 1 school where the majority of the students are Hispanic and live at or below the poverty line, and all my co-workers are teachers.  And we all belong to a yoon-yun.  When it comes to talking politics, I stick out like Mitt Romney at an underwear party. 

The other day I was filling my Ozarka bottle at the water fountain when the choir director bellows down the hallway, "Hey, Coach!  Did you know Grayson's a conservative?!"  Look left - a chortling choir director (who looks little too much like Dom Deluise), look right - a soccer coach slowly shaking his head, looking at me with disapproval.  We all had a good chuckle, and I take the ribbing well, because I've always maintained that soccer is a communist sport.

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I wanted to write about the absurdity known as the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills (TAKS) test, but I'm so beaten by that process I've been rendered incapable of discussing it.  Long story short, the testing process REQUIRES teachers to stand on their feet for several consecutive hours in order to effectively monitor the students while they take the test.  The students hate TAKS, the teachers hate TAKS, everybody and grandma's irritable, and it's a colossal waste of money and time.  Even I have started referring to the recent education legislation as "No Child Left Untested."

For the upcoming 5th six weeks, we're tackling Africa.  But first, let's figure out how long it is until Spring Break.

Much love to you all,

Brett